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1906 Diary 7=4 Workings
**NOTES**
Practically the whole of 7=4 working
1906
Tery?-Yunan Fu
Kammia
at Bhanno? & to Teu????, the horse-accident
February 9th.
About this full moon Consciousness began to break through Ruach
into Neschamah.
11th.
Made many resolutions of a G.R. In dream flew to me an Angel,
bearing an Ankh, to encourage me.
12th.
Continuing these Resolutions.
z
13th.
Continuing these resolutions. Read through Goetia etc. etc.
;xi
**NOTE Invocation in Goetie?
Qy? Are all these troubles in China due to A;. devils? I as A for
``a sufficient measure of protection.'' Like an instant's reply
come Wilkinson's letter settling up things.
26th.
A;. ltsleepy (Baby ill)
;xi
March. 1st.
A;. penitent and fair.
A;. good; but should do new ;st ritual before and after, to make a
A;. better. Magnificent Fata Morgana; Shipping etc upside down in
air above itself. Qy? a sign for me? A night of shocking and
terrible nightmare.
26th.
A;. Still good: Very little doubt about the likeness of the A;. to
El Istar.
30th.
A;. Good: very good. Be very careful, though Nature speak well and
wisely, not to let it dominate A;. This day was rendered blessed
by the letter of El. Istar to me, saying all, and saying it in the
best way.
4th.
I foolishly and wickedly put off A;. work all day: now it is 1
A.M. of the 5th.
By foolish I mean contrary to my interest and hope in A;.
By wicked I mean contrary to my will.
I further allowed myself to talk and play cards: the latter I must
do again to-morrow, for I won; as to the former, I pledge myself
to speak only the necessary speech of courtesy.;q.
A;. goodish: lengthy and reverie-like. Yet my heart is well. I
spake it audibly.
5th.
Am a bit slack about pledge; tried to retain.....in talk.
A;. Vocalized, goodish.
Knocked sideways by malaria; a sharp attack of shivering.
6th.
At Shanghai. Calling on A, and waiting, did A;.I;.; very ethereal.
Met A. and all went well.
7th.
Explaining the Position to A.
Bowled clean over by fever; spent P.M. in bed drunk with Dover's
powder. Quite sufficiently ill to excuse slackness: e.g. I could
not even read a light novel.
8th.
Feeble in A.M. Tiffin and tea with W.S. Dinner with German
Postmaster and poker. Oh Lord, how long? A;. nevertheless pretty
good for concentration and sincerity; not notable for result.
I think I had better begin to renounce idle things, save where
politeness calls and calls loud. If I take life too easy, the G.R.
will be harder: on the other hand an asceticism to no instant
purpose may exhaust me for the struggle when it comes. One of
those rare cases where a golden mean looks well.
9th.
Went over to A. to stay. Talked a bit of past results and their
conclusion in A;.
A;. at night good; considerable strain in ether.
10th.
A;. no good. (At night, rather tired)
11th.
Trying to arrange passage, business etc. W. promised me change for
a cheque or bill; in evening went back on it. We shall see.
Archibald Little dined: a nice old man, with sensible views. A;.
very bad indeed; worried by business.
A. has secrets from me; not good enough for working together.
12th.
A. somewhat more sensible;
A;. better, but sleepy. Not by any means good;r, but more
impersonal. Finished Blossom and Fruit: edified.
Note;r: Wrote R. to effect that I leant no more on anyone. But
this would not excuse any lowering of A. relations, though it
would justify their abandonment.
13th.
Did a Tarot for A. Kicking her shoes away, quite gently, they flew
incontinently though the air -- a really good miracle.
The Op;. of Abramelin being due to commence on Easter Sunday,
methinks it would be well to make a certain profound conjuration
of A;. on that day with a view to acquiring a proper knowledge of
the G. R. The A;. should be definitely invoked for this purpose
with all possible ceremony. Is it not written `Unto whosoever
shall draw nigh unto Me will I draw nigh'? And, as I have proved,
the help of A;. is already given as if the O;. were successfully
brought to an end. Only can this right be forfeited by slackness
toward the O;. From this then, O Holy Exalted One, preserve me!
16th.
A. even kinder.
`
A;. ??? above average; but little convincing. It should be
observed that on all these days are many thoughts of A;. Yet the
record is only of the Ex Voto Invocation.
17th.
Aleister and El Ain Kiss.
??? l
``Ere Sol in Aries make bright spring weather
Eight Star and Six Star shall have kissed together.''
;xi
And spring also is a month late.
Got Yi King from Club and analysed it.
Attribution of the 6 lines still puzzles me.
A;. about the same; but dropped off to sleep at end.
18th.
Studying Liber Legis: decide to ask A. to invoke Aiwass, or
converse with him when invoked, and thereby to decide on the
quality of that magic.
A. very careful to avoid the `physical' or to refer to the
Compact. This I honestly think a mistake, though doubtless one on
the right side.
A;. much better. Will go to sleep in vision. The result curious,
and though I cannot at all remember, I know it was thinking of A;.
in some way.
***NOTE***
Dec.31. Yes: but it is the puritan A.C. who is wrong in not
frankly wooing Elaine, A.B. a man and saying It is right, because
I will it.
19th.
Did a Tarot for Mr Volker re a theft.
***NOTE***
Used my own cards. And why? So as to affirm unselfishness in my
A;. aspirations.
A. unwell: therefore Aiwass postponed.
A;. fair. After results again`vaguely magnificient -- memory seems
quite in vain.
***NOTE***
Turned out to be not a theft, but a mislaying. Result showed
Querent with no loss of repute, and the goods recovered; yet
nobody else was in trouble. Considering that the question was ill
stated, this is a very fine reading. But I must not feel
gratified, save for the relief to Volker's mind.
20th.???
A;.I;. with A. in her temple. Aiwass invoked appears, of brilliant
blue as when she saw him as guardian of my sleep. He has followed
me ever, wishing me to follow his cult. When A. took wand, he
grows brilliant and breaks up into a formless light: yet she feels
him as an enemy. He seems entangled in a mesh of light and to be
trying to escape. I warn him that if he goes away he cannot
return. (A. in herself is hostile) ``Return to Egypt, with
different surroundings (This misheard: he said same;r) There I
will give thee signs. Go with the S.W.;r this is essential: thus
you shall get real power, that of God, the only one worth having.
Illumination shall come by means of power, pari passu. Live in
Egypt as you did before. Do not do a G.R. Go at once to Egypt:
money troubles will be settled more easily than you think now. I
will give you no guarantee of my truth.'' He here turned blue-
black. ``I am loath to part from you. Do not take A. I do not like
the relations between you; break them off! If not, you must follow
other Gods. Yet I would wish you to love physically, to make
perfect the circle of your union. A. will not do so, therefore she
is useless. If she did, she would become useful. You have erred in
showing her the true relation between you on spiritual planes.
Having burst that, she will remain by her sense of power over you
(?) She is spiritually stronger that you. You should have
dominated her by your superior strength on other planes. She will
give you much trouble though eventually she may become a great
aid. But your shorter path lies by Egypt and S.W. though she is
not spiritually your equal. S.W. has become your enemy; but you
having con|quered, she is bound to aid you as you will. She has
been your enemy and that of A. but you returned her hatred, hence
her seeming power over you in the present. (Qy. this hearing) I
will give you a sign when alone and away from present medium. You
must recognize the sign by your own intuition. Do not part from
S.W. Use her. (Here S.W. appears with an evil look. She glitters
like a jewelled serpent. Strange bands of light scintillate
between her and Aiwass. A. now takes wand again: still feels
animity on spiritual planes. Aiwass banished; S.W. has
disappeared. A. tries to speak to A;.: He wants G.R.: ***NOTE***
does not mind whether S.W. is with me or not; but I should use
Brahmacharya (? if with her, or anyhow) I shall be guided as
things turn up, as to the truth or falsehood of Aiwass, who is not
to be altogeter distrusted (I think the opposition is Aiwass
limitation as a servant) A;. will give us a sign: A's freedom. (I
reply that if this comes about in a miraculous manner, well and
good) Close.
21st.
;su entered ;ta Opened T: with A;.I;. asking for special aid in --
what follows. Possibly [...] spoilt it all. A. finds the Nuit ring
good: hence probably her hostility yesterday was due to lower
self.
I;. of R.H.K. gives glorious material flashes of light, akasic and
lilac. The God, beheld, will not speak. Asked for a messenger,
Aiwass appears. A. suspecting him, puts a ;hbrg;r on him; he blurs
and becomes dirty and discrowned. A. takes wand; but this
dissipates him. His real name she says is ;hbrynarach;r (270=INRI)
A. uses ***ART*** and shrivels him to a black charred mass. I ask
her to invoke something genuine; a white figure without a face and
with little shape mounts throne. It has a glittering rayed corona.
Says: ``I am the God of Vengeance. I am thy Guardian Angel. I
would have thee seek thine own soul in silence and alone. Take no
aid with thee: take no mortal soul but retire away and depart from
mankind.'' ;hbrg;r makes him brighter: he grows firmer. Repeated,
form vanishes and only brightness remains. Asked for a sign or his
name ;hbrta;r is written on throne. ``I will give no other signs:
you must learn to trust your own intuition.''
A's intuition tells her that he is genuine. As to our relations,
he wishes us to work together (A contradiction very supra) ``I do
not wish you to go too far in work with S.W. She will dazzle you
and be apt to lead you astray. You must always remain as armed
when you work with her, as a man in full armour. I could wish you
to strengthen the link between you and A. on all planes. You are
very needful to each other, and can only accomplish G.W. together.
(This clearly OO'' I take wand and curse him by Him whom he hath
blasphemed, invoking, however, A;. The light becomes more
brilliant. To V.N. it disappears here. Voice continues: ``You must
go and do a G.R. after which you shall get a sign'' (Clearly due
to A. knowing my wish; but he is clumsy. Will anything now
convince A? I take serious measures to banish all but A;. Voice
silenced: and she doubts if voice is from brilliance. A. feels me
absolutely necessary for her. I not. Voice is from her;r so cannot
be banished and it goes on:) ``There shall be short period of
work? not;r? done in actual unison; after which your powers join
irrevocably together. There is no escape from that; you are bound
to work together; and the fitting time and hour for this shall
come simultaneously to you both. There will then be no doubt in
either of your minds: there will be no obstacle to this
union....you must look towards this time and towards a beacon
light. Never lose sight of that, You and O.M. will meet with
subtle temptation from this object -- promises of great power and
illumination; but heed them not. A. is your true helper from whom
you have right to look and demand help. You must never cease to
demand this aid, and by your demand strengthen and aid your
comrade. I your Guardian Angel tell you this.''
(The falsity of all this patent more at the time than now -- I
foresaw what follows)
I ask for proof that he is;r Guardian Angel -- it is clear that
Voice and Brilliance are distinct. A. however feels that this
rigmarole is true. Hence we discuss our relations and the Great
Invocation degenerates. This however is checked by my will and her
own feeling that we have done enough for honour. I am not
exhausted after all this, as I was yesterday. Is this a proof that
all is Right Magic, or that little force was expended? Where am I,
in fact? O Holy Exalted One, do Thou illuminate my mind!
22nd.
Feeling sick -- in bed all day.
No regular A;.I;. in consequence, but much concentrated thought.
It seems to me that all the Shanghai experience bar Easter Day
should be veglected as a morbid dream; merely because I am not
alone.X It seems natural and easy that this should be. I think
also I should write to A. explaining how the whole experience has
been an ordeal, that she has come through it successfully both
in the advance to ;ve and the suspense of that advance; but that
the principle of clinging to me, unconsciously there has ruined
her clairvoyance, and rotted up her magic. Having won me, let her
now lose me! As for me I will go on as if I had never landed.
X Dec.31. same old double game: fear its spring.
23rd.
Arrived Nagasaki about 5 p.m.
Wrote remarks opposite: they seem quite obviously right, as if
thereby all lucidity and [...] were attained, all doubt swept
away.
Wrote to A. to effect above, now, however, insisting on my own
independence of her.
A;. fair to good. Asked A;. for sufficient health on voyage to do
A;.I;. properly (Granted) Went off to sleep after this.
24th.
Arrived Kobe at 5 p.m. -- 24 hours sail.
Wrote to S.W. with some reserve, of course utterly concealing both
A;. and A.
***NOTE important***
Qy? Could I use Aiwass to help me with A;.I;.? I should think yes:
I ought to use every power I have.
A;. fair only; though I invoked all these powers of mine. Yet,
after, by a strong effort of will, I banished my sore throat and
my surroundings and went up in Astral Body. Reached a room, in
which a table was spread *** thus, a naked man being nailed there
to. Many venerable men sat around, feasting on his living flesh
and quaffing his hot blood. There (I was told) were the adepts
whom I might one day join. This I understood to mean that I should
get the power of taking only spiritual nourishment -- but probably
it means much more than this. Next I came into an apparently empty
hall, all being in white ivory, worked in filigree, as the Chinese
do.
***NOTE variations***
A square slim altar was in the midst. I seemed to be questioned
as to what I would sacrifice on that altar. I offered all save my
will to know A;. that I would only exchange for its own
realization. I now became conscious of vast God-forms of Egypt
sitting, so vast I could only see their knees. ``Would not
knowledge of the Gods suffice.'' No! said I. It was then pointed
out that I was being critical i.e. rationalistic and made to see
that A;. was not fashioned in my image. Necessarily, that is. I
apologized, and knelt at altar, placing my hands on it, right over
left. Then One human, white, self-shining (my idea after all) came
forth and put his hands over mine, saying `I receive thee into the
Order of the Silver Star' Then, with advice to return, I sank back
to earth in a cradle of flame.
25th.
N.B. Yesterday's vision a real illumination, since it showed me an
obvious mistake which yet I had utterly failed to see. The word in
my Kamma-work was A;. and the method `invoking often;r! Therefore
a Self-glittering One, whether my conscience approves or not,,
whether my desires fit or not, is to be my guide. I am to invoke
often, not to criticize. Am I to lose my grade of 7;de = 4;de ? I
cannot go wrong, for I am the Chosen One: that is the very
postulate of the whole Work. This boat carries Caesar and his
fortunes.
Left Kobe at noon.
A;. fair to good; but attention wandered after I;.
Suggestion of fasts to aid.
26th.
Arrived Yokohama 11 A.M. 23 hours? sail.
A;. fair. am convinced I did not go to sleep; yet the ed is
completely veiled from memory (now 3 A.M. 27th)
27th.
Left Yokohama 12 noon.
A;. fearing motion would disturb me rather poor: yet a certain
clarity of vision of a White One like on 25th.
Feeling seedy at night
28th.
A;. poor; my bodily health imperfect still, yet great clarity of
vision in the matter of the Pentagrams.
29th.
A;. The same thing happens every time. The mechanical part of the
I;. is kept too easily; but I fall instantly into a dull reverie
or even slumber. This has nothing pleasant or alluring; is
curiously impersonal and bewildering.
30th.
A;. exactly the same as yesterday. Will repeat.
It has struck me -- in connection with reading Blake, that Aiwass
etc. = Force and Fire; the very thing I do lack and that my
`conscience' is really an obstacle and a delusion, being a
survival of heredity or education. certainly to rely on it as on
an abiding principle in oneself is wrong.
Further considerations in favour of Aiwass: ;grkapw;r seemed to
indicate him.
Any suspicious remarks of his perhaps due to A. conneting him
with S.W.
I think his repeated `Go to Egypt! The one really important thig
is the fundamental hypothesis -- I am the Chosen One. All methods
will do, if I only `invoke often;r' i.e. stick to it.
Ritual given by Aiwass -- see `Work' book; also determined --
house in Egypt, dates etc.
A;.I;. repeated. Very good and lucid. A;. approves of house in
Egypt, ritual, &c.&. No tendency to sleep or reverie; or hardly
any, not more than a momentary wandering of thought.
May 1st.
A;. fair. No tendency to sleep.
The O;. is a great test of faith and will; not at all of wit. Just
what I have always lacked.
Note. This A;. at night, under bad conditions. I may believe that
yesterday's resolution (in doubling I;. because of sleep in the
A.M.) has broken the force of Tamas, if only for the moment.
Yesterday's ;st attribution clearly right ;we is the divine force
drawing nigh to man: ;fe the human flame aspiring.
Nuit and Hadit are = and opposite: the Two kinds of nothing. 0;de
vide Berashith. Hence Ra-Hoor-Khuit the resulting Universe.
2nd.
Working at comment on Liber Legis with (as usual) lamentably
little result. I thik that I could do it in Egypt. I worked hard;r
and nearly all day: only result a little light on
A;. good considering I was excessively tired. ;me The day to which
I sacrifice the other days. A;. good -- vision like the milky way
in texture. A fine epithet for A;. would be ``O thou whose body is
the mother-milk of the Starry One! (viz Nuit)'' I think I should
reserve to myself the option of doing a Dead ??? as originally
arranged. R's attitude, condition etc. should be allowed weight.
Saw this month's moon for the first time.
4th.
A;. very energetic on my part, intensely so, better perhaps
thanever before. However (or perhaps because) there was little
vision. Indeed, this work of A;. requires the Adept to assume the
woman's part: to log for her bridegroom, it may be, and to be ever
ready to receive his kiss; but not to pursue openly and to use as
it were force.
Yet the K;. of H;. suffereth violence; may it not be, though, that
such violence should be used in order to attain that passive
state? And of course, to shut out all rivals? Help me, thou Holy
One, even in this; for all my strength is weak as water, and I am
but a dog. Help me, O Self-Glittering One! draw nigh to me in
sleep and in waking, and let me ever be as a wise virgin, and
expect thy coming with a lamp of oil of holiness and beauty! Hail,
beautiful and Strong One! I desire thy kisses more than life or
death.
5th.
A;. medium; but apparently I went off to sleep before writing it
up.
Note. A seance was going on about this time. I sincerely hope this
had nothing to do with the sleep.
6th.
A;. tired and excited, yet with great resolution. Vision good.
Aimed at passive. No subsequent result.
7th.
A;. good, starry effect concentrating into a brilliant moonlight
in E's body.
10th.
A;. poor -- am really worn out. Asked for exceptional vigour and
courage and health in N.Y. so as to get my business through.
Granted -- did all business but the Kangchen scheme in 1 day. Most
amply granted. Bar the one day's fever, on a Sunday when in no
case could I work, I was boiling over with energy the whole time.
11th.
A;. better -- much reverie. Vision nt acute.
12th.
A;. not bad. An attempt to `rise on planes' (;fe of ;ae) spoilt by
fatigue.
13th.
Purposely rapid. Yet restful.
14th.
A;. sleepy (I am by no means recovered from the fatigues of this
damned journey).
18th.
A;. The usual thing -- I forget all about it till late; or at
least put it off. A man cannot serve two masters. I began A;. then
deliberately stopped, as it was a farce. I appoint Sunday from
waking to sleeping as a day of fast and penance from waking to
sleeping. (Should I sleep in the day this to conclude penance).
Unable -- and unwilling -- to sleep, recommenced A;.
Osorronophris = Asar Un -- nefer. And I never saw it till now.
This should be a key to all. Paphro? Papur -- papyrus. Un = opener
nefer? gates path etc. A;. elaborate and really not bad.
19th.
A most oppresive day. A;. gabbled. My throat ached;r and I was
just out of a sodden sleep. Thermometer over 96;de. I got a go of
heat-exhaustion, which nearly prostrated me. Luckily a smart
diarrhoea relieved me. But no ;ve of course.
20th.
A;. a shade better -- am still pretty ill. The penance and fast
may be moderated if I feel worse for want of food &c. (I carried
it out faithfully)
21st.
Very tired, very determined, not altogether bad subjectively; but
no voice or vision.
22nd.
Reading the Hashish-eater, a wonderful book. Sleeping, I got a
mild hashish dream!
23rd.
A;. at first disturbed -- with resolution better. Vision somewhat,
but confused with hashish distortion. That book is clearly
bewitched.
28th.
A;. got through after an incredible struggle of 11/2 hours. Mostly
sleep. Weather close and trying under the Newfoundland banks.
30th.
Behaved more as an Agnostic than a Mystic in conversation; not as
a blind. This means I am;r more an A. than an M. True, the
coversation did not reach the constructive point. Should it ever
do so, what shall I do?
***Note Important***
A;. very good indeed. Renewed the terrible vows of this
initiation, and was rewarded by the touch of ;hbrp;r to ;hbrp;r O
Self-glittering One, be ever with me! Amen.
31st.
A;. better than ever yet. Vision quite perfect and I tasted the
sweet kiss and gazed in the clear eyes of that radiant one. My own
face (I am sure by the feel of the skin) became luminous.
June 1st.
A;. good but interfered with by fatigue. Used much resolution.
2nd.
Arrived Liverpool. Heard of Baby's death by letters from Mother
and Uncle Tom. Why did nobody cable me? Arrived London, perfectly
stunned.
***NOTE Important***
A;. appropriate in tone, though of course mechanical. I solemnly
reaffirmed the O;.***NOTE ath*** of my O;.***NOTE blig*** to
perform the O;.***NOTE peration*** offering under these terrible
circumstances, all that yet remains. Fortunately X I am quite
unable to think of the thing in detail or as a reality. X December
31st. Not fortunately at all. One never;r gets able to do so.
Stupor and pangs get to the limit and that limit is easy reached
by very partial conceptions of one's loss.
3rd.
***NOTE***
??? ;ve regarded as on the Tree of Life, including all symbols.
Equally expert as the averse ;me but no matter; I have lived
through the day. A;. a sad mechanic exercise.
4th.
A;. no good; but an idea to ask R. definitely: Will you come and
go a G.R. with me now or will you not? Write accordingly to A.
5th.
Practically broke down playing billiards. Have drugged myself. A
pretty good fight I think. Will go to sleep meditating A;. Lucky
Ivor was with me.
6th.
Tristan and Isolde -- a failure, either Wagner is a shit or myself
dulled beyond waking. I slept right through Overture -- Act II
!!!!!!!
Did A;. feebly in streets.
7th.
Went to Plymouth by 6.30. Arrived 12.5. Did A;. in train. A shade
better; and more acquiescence or survival or transcendence --
whichever name you prefer.
8th.
Joined R. on S.S. Himalaya. As I supposed I broke down a good
deal. Am really too ill to do a regular A;.I;.
9th.
Still breaking down at intervals, and staggerig from nervous
weakness. Dropping off to sleep at odd times and places.
10th.
R. wants to W;. with me: but her nervous state is bad and
unreliable so she contradicts.
Vain attempts, interrupted by invincible sleep, to do A;.I;.
11th.
Still frightfully ill -- sleep and nightmares. A;.I;. again
conquered by these though I did my very utmost.
12th.
A shade better. A;. I;. in turker not bad considering.
13th.
A;. jutile.
14th.
A;. a shade better.
***NOTE 15th.***
16th.
Went to sleep during A;. Am still very ill with throat.
21st.
A;. poor again. There seems little intention;r; perhaps owing to
my fears about health and the general uncertainty.
23rd.
V;. N;. 7=4 arrived. Talking over the whole A;. situation. Talking
over the whole A;. situation.
24th.
Continuing A;. discussion, all night. Agreed on that I am to go
for my G.R. in some comparatively near spot, within reach of
telegraph summons.
25th.
Asleep all day, after the strai of Jones' visit. Went to sleep
trying to do A;.
26th.
***NOTE I A F (17) IAO***
July 6th.
My throat and head still utterly bad -- with this a| R. no work
for these days.
8th.
Unto thee Adon-ai do I commit my way. Unto thee the Augoeides,
unto thee the Self-glittering one. I put my trust in the power
that hath devised me as I am for the achieving of a purpose; the
Next Step. A;. rather bad, but done. Being in bed has cured the
eternal headache and the throat is much better.
9th.
Operation performed with little pain. My display of cowardice may
be partly excused by my general nervous break-down, I hope. A;. at
night, a shade better. Some slight vision.
11th.
A long talk with Jenner-Fust, who, as I supposed, is a mystic of
very much my own type. A;. rather reveresque.
12th.
Wrote on Eleusis essay and a little verse, possibly suitable for
Rosa coeli. Throat very bad. A;. futile.
13th.
A;. better (in A.M.)
The only time I get for thought is just the goig to sleep and
waking. Then I can muse. The English for which is: no more nights
in bed with other people.
22nd week of A;. ends. There ought to be a new current tomorrow.
14th.
***NOTE Important a new method***
Avoided;r invoking A;. who might instruct me in Vision after 22
weeks. I am in serious trouble. Place, Method, Time, etc. A
wakeful night followed by profound and dreamless sleep. (I had
spent much thought on A;.)
17th.
This thinking seems little or no good: but the fault is that the
real Crowley is actually not thinking of A;. When he is, the
invocation was unnecessary; when he isn't, its' feeble. What am;r
I to do? (Should suggest sticking to it)
Jones, coming on wednesday, agrees Ritual is a help if so.
***NOTE 18 19 20***
22nd.
Wrote Introduction to Bahg -- an essay on Sufism &c.
Thoughts of A;.
Remarkable experiment with hashish. I took some five grais, and
smoked a little ganja. I was drinking a good deal of port, too.
Anyway, I went dizzy; but got to bed and slept it off. Think I was
on the brink of hallucination. I was describing effects (as in
books) to my Nurse and offered her a fraction of a grain on a
match, so that she could get the aromatic taste. My remarks were
most vivid. At the expected time (supposing she had taken a
quantity) she began to suffer all sorts of symtoms, alleged loss
of memory and reason. Quick pulse (160) low temperature (97.8)
dull heavy feeling following momentary excitement, pupils dilated
(not contracted) She remarked on tasting it that she thought it
was Belladonna. No thirst, no suspicion, no actual hallucinations;
in short, all the wrong systoms. (To be continued)
23rd.
About 2 o'clock she began to turn the corner. Wrote a mystic poem
of profound obscurity called Abjad-i-aI'ain and did some revision.
Turning to A;. was turning to sleep, as too often happens.
26th.
Went down to stay with G.H.F;. D.D.S.
***NOTE 7=4***
27th.
***NOTE Important
I, Perdurabo, a member of the C;.C;. do hereby solemnly obligate
myself &c to lead a p;. and unselfish life; and will entirely
devote myself to raise &c. myself to the K;. of my higher and
d;.G;. that I shall be Him. In witness of which I I;. the ***NOTE
9th.*** A;. ;hebavh;r to give me a proof of his existence.
Complete and perfectvisualizatio of C;. as p;. on ``The low dark
hill, the storm, the star''. But the ***art*** of the Camel open
and a ray therein; [...] a certain vision of A;. remembered only
as a glory now attainable.
***NOTE***
29th.
Sunday night. D.D.S. and P. discuss a new O;. D.D.S. wants
Authority.
I should write and say ``Perfect the lightning-conductor and the
flash will come''.
Dec.31. Very true; but there need not be hesitatio any more.
30th.
Returned to London. No more definite A;. driven from 12 to 12.
August 3rd.
Left for Eastbourne.
4th.
About to try the experiment of daily Aspiration in the P;.***NOTE
osition*** of the 5;de =6;de O;.
Did this 22 minutes with I;. It needed D.D.S. but the Eli Eli
feeling is perhaps induced and this is good.
I made + on my B;. with ;ma ad also O on my H;.ead. Scire. The vow
of Poverty is to esteem nothing, to value nothing save A;.
***NOTE*** The vow of Chastity is to use the M;. force for no
purpose but I;. of A;.
Velle. The vow of Obedience is to concentrate the W;. on A;.
alone.
Tacere. The vow of Silence; to regulate the whole organism so that
so vast a miracle as ***art*** excites therein no commotion. N.B.
To look expectantly always, as if He would instantly appear.
5th.
***NOTE***
My Revelations book The Arcanum in the Adytum ***art*** or the
Secret of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, being a commentary upon the
***NOTE*** Apocaclypse. On the cover ``The Secret of Jesus''
10th.
5=6 Pos. With ;ma to O and A renewing vows. 28 minutes.
Got the Threshold -- the awful doubt whether one shouldn't walk
away and thrwo up the whole thing -- presented first as a
temptation, then as a doubt. Wherefore the cry ***NOTE*** `Eli Eh'
But no further save for a sense as of dew distilling from the Eye
i the Triangle by the Ray.
14th.
Am still very much below par. Not that I feel bad; but I sleep
absurdly after massage.
``Armageddon''. the final conflict -- mysticism and health. Where
the rationalist argument breaks down; necessary for it to prove
that Samadhi is a diseased process. Low phenomena of ( [...] )
light, soud etc. not at all true mystic powers -- they are the
spermatomhoea of the mystic Yod. This is a separate essay -- not
my commentary on Revelation. ``Space''. As an illusion
(1) it is a function of Time. Discuss the Chinese `Li' and draw
largely on my experience.
(2) (?who) States this can never be eliminated from consciousness.
Answer: the civilized man's thought rarely includes so crude a
conception. Abstract ideas are incompatible with a belief in
space.
(3) Refer to and amplify Kant's proof
(4) Effect of Hashish (quote Ludlow) (5) What does Samadhi say?
My comment on Apocalypse.
(1) The Qabalah and the Bible; a preliminary essay, justifying my
whole position. Christ on Quabalist ``He that is able to receive
it, let him receive it!'' Quabalah spiritual; removes Bible from
silly rationalistic criticism e.g. 3 maji or King 3. No odds; it's
the 3;r that matters.
(2) The correspondences with table. Their use in interpretation.
The Golden Rule ``The most spiritual meaning the right one'' so
that even if John wrote of Nero and Rome, you turn his dross into
gold. Alchemical side-issues: the symbols of the Asch Metzareph.
(3) The Commentary.
(4) Appendix -- the co nection with Daniel (or this can go i with
2)
***NOTE***
Note on Q symbolism of ***art*** Thieves (&) &c. Paroketh.
18th.
Came back to Eastbourne. Reobligated ***art*** though ill.
September 1.
Reobligated by O and + head and breast.
21st.
End of 32 weeks -- 8 months -- 224 days of A;. thought. Did a
little I;. Enquiring how to I;. the A;. got the instat reply
OFTEN;r -- and only saw later that this was the same old order as
before. Which confirms it; discard methods rituals &c. (and their
[...] ontradictories) but do it Often.
***NOTE***
( [...] ) represents Hashish, I suppose) Hence great poetical idea
(First for years) A son commits suicide in his mother's presence
as the most cruel punishment he can devise. To avoid [...] he must
be wicked; but no wicked man ever killed himself yet. -- -- ?
Hashish vision. Wonderful but very unstable landscapes, soft
green, purple and blue. Blaze effects of all sorts and a
frequently coming -- and -- going -- altered figure of A;. One
seems however detached, e.g. the chameleon -- jewelled motor --
cars which kept on running through me didn't hurt. Further, the
proportions of space and time were not disturbed. Though the
visions were thus varied and pleasant they were not at all
exciting. I chose to consider them as terrestrial landscape-faced
demons &c. for the A;. seemed to alternate.
22nd.
Jones at Coulsdon.
Celebration ;su in ;li
Quintessialized O -O ***NOTE***
23rd.
Jones still at Coulsdon. We celebrate the return of ;su to ;li
24th.
Began to celebrate ;su in ;ar ***NOTE***
30th.
Concluded the draft of ;su in ;ar by ;me
Oct. 9th.
Tested new R. and behold it was v.g. thanked hods and sacrificed
for Lola
***NOTE***
Hashish 10. p.m. acting -- taken at 8. Many very strange
***NOTE*** illusions of sight, sense of proportion, locality,
illusions of muscular distortion, the pen actually writing good
***NOTE*** legible English, but appearing to do so only as a
***NOTE*** of two ***NOTE*** counterpoises. (Hours to write that
sentence -- and this) None of the illusions seriously interfere
with small fine coordinated movements. I think of a word and
forget it before I can write it down. This happens by lapses: a
question of attention held and released.
10th.
I am still drunk with Samadhi all day. ***NOTE*** Curious
observation S.D. looks like a symbol Curious feeling that one has
a foriegn body in one's mouth. Enough, these are all dog-faced
demons. I will;r see Adonai.
Bus!
(Must tell Jones he can never;r get the [...] because only th
thing he can't baish is the highest)
S.D. is;r A. This from fancied personal resemblances. Fear of
fascination by drug. Extraordinary fits of laughter. Every thought
(each is a definete symbolic picture) is instantly followed by a
criticism (also pictured) Sometimes the criticism is so severe
that it becomes a primary thought -- hence inattention. When a
thought is weak or unbalanced, the curret of thought is changed.
Hence strong thoughts are wanted.
***NOTE***
I~ morning. Memory very good. Remember striking realization of
ureality of things in room &c. Remember how very close to Samadhi
the ritual brought me: perhaps even the control of the drug that
arose and forced me to bed, plus my fear of the`shock of R's
anticipated coming up to bed, operated to stop me. For in the
``Thanks-giving and sacrifice for S.D.'' I did;r get rid of
everything but the Holy Exalted One, and must have held Him for a
minute ***NOTE*** or two. I did. I am sure I did. I expected Rose
to see a Halo round my head. ***NOTE***
But the hashish enthusiasm surged up against the ritual-
enthusiasm; so I hardly know which phenomena to attribute to
which.
Noticed at the time that S.D. made A;. enthusiasm possible; was ;.
good. Yet I would not pray for one more Kiss having already had my
deserts. The more I think of it the more I am sure that I got into
Samadhi. (somehow) not like a human at all.
11th.
At night transcribed fair the N ***NOTE*** R of the M of I with
much labout and affliction of spirit. To bed with thoughts of A;.
A curious persistent vision of blue and ***NOTE*** also white line
below line of sight -- shaped thus.
12th.
Still a bit nearer reality as regards time. The Omens were -- a
dead rat, 66, an Vestal Virgin, an old mean violent woman of all
evil, an officer and a gentleman, a virgin become a beautiful
woman. Th} whole bathed in an ecstasy of IAO and Aphrodite.
Did some prayer and fasting but not enough.
13th.
Went to 106, St. Mary's Mansions, Paddington. Curious effect of
the Gross-Currents. Cash, Love, Samadhi -- things have really lost
their value -- I get what Blavatzky describes in Voice of the
Silence as not quite disgust.
14th.
Certain Samadhi effects linger -- the unreality of things and
one's own sense of success &c.
16th.
Unpacking. Samadhi nearly, yet ot quite, worn off. At work very
hard all day.
20th.
To Mistley.
About Samadhi I told D.D.S. who thinks Hashish had nothing about
the Truth to do with the Samadhi, though possibly useful as a
starter. I feel as if something were going to happen. -- Just as I
began to enflame myself in praying, a thing snapped in my brain,
jarring it, as if a bowstring, 1/4 drawn, slipped from the
fingers. Sense of physical relief -- a `clearing' of the brain --
and also of occult discharge. I couldn't get backand soon slept.
21st.
A somewhat disappointing day, nearly all the talk beng talked.
Alao I am still `polarized' a good deal; my indifference
``Titiksha'' X is pronounced, I am truly indifferent even to L. X
? Vairagya.
23rd.
Wrote history praelection and re [...] Sick with lack of Lola -- a
still pool of clear water in which L.V.X. ***art*** is reflected..
24th.
Did a small I;. Result very near success. Was too sleepy.
31st.
9.30. Took a smaller dose of Ha than before. Smoking Hashish
cigarettes. Incense &c. as before. Must work known dosage.
***NOTE***
Wrote a long letter to A. or rather V.H.S. F;.
10.25. Before inviking I feel some sort of effect introspection
developed. Time sense shaken; blanks in thought; feeling of
fullness back of neck etc. etc. All very slight -- only the
***NOTE*** story introspection shws them. Inv. nearly twice --
terrible agony. Barbarous names. Supreme test, for a man who is
really;r praying. Cannot bring himself to say a ridiculous thing
to his God, even on the latter's mandate.
I shall go and recite Greenland's &c -- If with faith Samadhi.
Time after time I feel the sickening pangs of dissolution;
physically I nearly faint; but I don't get over the bar. I am very
sick and retire in disorder pursued by dog-gaced demons of all
kinds. Once again I nearly got there -- all went brilliance -- but
not quite. I had too much drug and too little invocation. I
completely forgot L. thanksgiving altogether.
the real meaning of `Change not barbarous names &c' is the one
thing good out of all this.
There is nothing but d -- f. ds after I get to bed; but there is
always the consciousness behind thoughts. Thus when the conc.
realizes that `I am apart from my thoughts' that thought itself is
pictorially shewn as a thought. Thus the Bhagavad Cita I am all ad
in all, yet a part from all -- I who am all, and made it all,
abide its separate Lord. This consciousness is the real Self in
all probability; it would never touble to command its thoughts,
for all are alike to it.
The spine should be vertical, as the Hindus justly say.
Novr. 1st.
Observe that the H. took just an hour to get in its deadly work.
4th.
D.F.Ds. all day. Fuller Jones O E. Sunny Jim. Descent into Hell --
In the Power of the Dweller -- obsession by a [...] left by Fuller
(& Jones) called ***NOTE*** Retun with great difficulty -- awful
pangs -- Eli Eli &c. N.B. I got back to very near Samadhi in the
end.
5th.
Worked out Abr. Lamen.
13th.
Wrote to SirAgamya Guru Paramahansa ``If you are the one I seek,
this will suffice -- name and address''. He replies: ``Ask your
own intelligence''. I out his sig ;sa -- found in ;fi of the ;st
In Earth of lesser angle ;ca ;sa ;su = 268. ;ca is perhaps myself
418. Symbol of whole scheme I;. ;hbravh;r Qw ;ta Very good. I
reply ``My question concerned myself. Your answer emboldens me to
ask for an interview. I need hardly add that in such a matter all
days and hours are alike to me.'' He answers ``Come ;lu noon''
14th.
Answer from A.G.P. Invoked for symbols. Again got into the Samadhi
proximity state, as it were, without trouble.
18th.
The 8th anniversary of my ***art*** birth.
19th.
Shri A.G.P. 12.0. Saw A.G.P. Good impression after leaving,
stronger than at time.
21st.
Saw again A.G.P. He prescribed (1) Devotion (2) Mystery (3)
Omnibenevolence associated in a practice to which the River Jordan
Water-line was complex and difficult.. He has ***NOTE*** attained
a high grade, but has no ***NOTE*** concerning men. He thinks of
all the world as either inside or outside his little fold, and
sheep or goat according. Which is unusual folly for such an
illuminated bugger. Another lesson not to attribute objective
value to one's Samadhi results.
23rd
(Began the three gunas)
Decr. 2nd.
Went to ``business meeting'' of Sir Agamya &c. His whole plan
perfectly ridiculous; a fine object-lesson in what to avoid.
7th.
Jones writes from the Samadhi-dhatu ???
10th.
Jones came up and we dined. Jones says ;grkou mh;r is 8-3 I say
Mollie Lee rhymes with both. This purifices and consecrates me, so
that I feel ``I am the master'' quite genuine -- without scruple
or diffidence. No personality.
11th.
Back to Bournenouth. Jones' amazing third letter.
X
13th.
Mackie arrived from Hordle. Discoursing to Mackie, sounds of
astral rubbed glass (mostly right ear.
15th.
Began Table of Correspondences and did two hours work at it.
16th.
21/2 hours of T. of C. in A.M. 3 in P.M.
17th.
21/2 hours Table of Correspondences. Mostly reading Beth Elohim.
18th.
3 Hours. T. of C. Wrote ;hbrTMA;r
19th.
T. of C. became chronic.
25th.
At work all day and night on table. But the important thing is the
readig of Amath, and the discussion (to be reproduced as a
dialogue ??? la Berkeley) of it. Jones took the 10 = 1 view and we
ran up and down the tree like bloody spqirrels deciding on A.C.
trying Truth in the Witness -- Box sense as a formula ``I = Thou''
and of course to avoid fear. Be careful not to mix up this formula
with morality;r which is 00 as before.
26th.
More table till Jones broke down. This Truth game 320 days (32
paths X 10 Sephiroth) Sice I wrote ``Ruach breaking through into
Neschamah.''
27th.
Back to Town. Broke down myself.
Appear to have got into the Fruit of which Jone's ``hail! All
Hail!'' was the Blossom. In short, recognizig that ??? I am He;r
in the same way that I recognize ``Snow is white'' -- not arguing
it, nor announcing it triumphantly. I acted on that basis without
self-consciousness, and wrote various letters.
Later; viz, at 6.0. p.m. O took a very small dose of`Hashish --
say 11/2 ??? -- 2 gr. on a by no means empty stomach.
The introspection seems awakened at once; owing, maybe, to
expectation.
Use all means to invoke A;. (possibly even masturbation -- if such
an act is physically possible ??? -- as a means).
7.0 -8.15. There is no link to bid together the thoughts ??? ( of
the second order -- ( [...] thoughts) -- );r since they are only
like letters of words not (apparently) interconnected. (Usual
phenomena) With practice this game could be made useful ??? ( e.g.
to work out a pyschological system;r ). Each battery goes through
a whole battery of critics; it is `analysed' ( in time, I was
thinking of Well's analysed sounds in the New Accelerator;r )
Also there seems several main individuals or strata of thought (
??? delusion of triple personality &c.) They have ( or may have;r
?) different time-rates.
( One sees at it were an officer running forward to reform a shake
set of thoughts, or to order new evolutions;r )
8.15. I went to bed about now and tried hard to masturbate,
without success. The first time I failed from fear; the second
time I know not why; the third time I was under the delusion that
I had come.
***NOTE***
The `millions of worlds' game -- the peacock multiform with each
`eye' of its fan a mirror of glory wherei also another peacock --
everythig thus.
( Here consciousness has o longer any knowledge of normal
impression. Each thought is itself visualized as a World-Peacock -
- such seems to me the iterpretation of above;r ) ??? 1.20. A.M.
Head still buzzing; wrote above. Samadhi is;r Hashish, an ye will;
but Hashish is not Samadhi (It's a low form this Atmadashana) (I
don't, ad didn't;r, quite understand this. I think it means that
only an Adept can use Hashish to excite Samadhi; or else that
Hashish is the evil and averse S.) The Introspection Pnenomena ???
***NOTE*** This is like the letter A in the word or idea `cat'
The Picture-Ideas ( ??? thoughts) ***art*** Converging to form a
`a' and so on. This disconnected second rank are very numerous.
There are many raks of thought (are these the Sephiroth?) The
cosciousness moves backwards and forwards, outwards and inwards.
Each rank is of course observed by the one next to it inwards, or
else by the Analyser. There's a `Intelligence' (among the
Hierarchies of me) who suddenly draws lines round groups of second
rank ideas and labels them `candle' ??? &c. front rank men,
getting them off as a whole.
( Just as I might make an A of dots, scratches, &c and when
finished fling it forth a visible `A';r) Others too have other
functions -- there's a whole crowd of us all organized.
What puzzles is the vast number of thoughts required to make oe
physical thought. Bound to believe in simplicity behind. ??? Why?
Mathematical truths are absurd; they belong to the unanalysed
brai, for one thing: and, for another, they represent relations
between units of that row -- no more. Thus the Universal Peacock
is One.
(I prefer a different view. The [...] ??? thoughts not nearer but
further than the physical; not radiatig from the Ego, but
converging upon it. This is an argument against Hashish,, and does
not suggest that further progress would bring one to a higher
rank. The various individuals are on this view rather arch-
demons.);r -- A good deal this on introspection.
Oh for a memery -- in flesh to tell people about this; in spirit
to bid together and organize the analysed thoughts, so that one's
consciousness should normally obserne the second rank crowd. This
is (would be;r) constant ecstasy, but the actions of the man
(owuld;r) go on as usual, and it is oly a certa instinct in one's
hearer if they perceive that oe is ot oeself. This time no
sickness -- slight physical drunkenness -- very slight. Must tuy
in presence of Jones and Fuller with Jewell concealed to take
notes. The earlier very rapid things all escape record. It is 1.40
A.M. I am practically sober.
8.30 A.M. Introspection still quickened.
9.45 A.M. One has only to think hard to get back to the World of
Thoughts.
N.B. The dose was a shade too large -- not much. There was no
sense of being overpowered.
Began ;hbrTMA;r formula. It was an awful pang to reply ``The
Flapper'' to ``Who is Lola?'' and really very difficult to do it
without using a tone of voice of a lying nature. Got a sort of
vision of the Gate of 10 = 1 [...] ??? Self as a mage in his
circle breaking it down and the universe rushing in -- all the
lions and dragons symbols and vanishing as they came.
28th.
Beginning to see possibilities of scheme (i.e. Truth Scheme)
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